Upcoming NFL Headlines

September 26th, 2014
Calvin Johnson Caught on Camera Making "Blah Blah Blah" Hand Gesture During National Anthem

During Postgame Press Conference, Marques Colston Announces "I'm Bigger Than Jesus—Jesus Was Like 5'1", I Could Definitely Beat Up Jesus"

Minnesota Vikings Embroiled in "Sex Barge" Scandal Too Gruesome to Describe

Terrell Suggs Records 100th Career Sack of Loot Stolen From Baltimore Convenience Stores

"All little kids deserve to be karate chopped into unconsciousness  #swag #yolo" Shouts Johnny Manziel at Funeral to Which He Was Not Invited

Adam Wainwright Pitches No-Hitter in Extremely Confusing Monday Night Football Debut

RB Marshawn Lynch Fined for Excessive Celebration After Marching Around End Zone, Bellowing "Now I Am Become Death, Destroyer of Worlds"

Bengals' A. J. Green Vaults Over Cornerback, Leaps Into End Zone, Runs out of Stadium, Assaults Prostitute

Reggie Bush Appears in YouTube Video Punching Donkey in the Head, Demanding "How Do You Like Me Now"

DeSean Jackson Arrested Outside Philadelphia Nightclub After Brandishing Unlicensed Bazooka

Bill Belichick to Andrew Luck: "Strike Me Down With All of Your Hatred and Your Journey Towards the Dark Side Will Be Complete"
New Evidence in NFL Concussion Litigation: Coaches Routinely Snuck Into Players' Bedrooms, Bonked Them on the Head With Mallets

Adrian Peterson Invents Conveyor Belt Machine That Ceaselessly Creates, Beats Children

Washington Redskins Owner Dan Snyder Petulantly Changes Team Name to 'Washington Alcoholic Savages'
Pro Bowl Kicker Matt Prater Caught Injecting Performance-Enhancing Drugs Into Random Passerby

Aaron Hernandez Sentenced to 25 Years in Prison for Not Being Famous Enough While Committing Murder

Frank Gore Ate a Horse???

Wikipedia User Named "Nam_Cewton" Edits Cam Newton's Page to Claim He Has One Million Touchdowns
Drew Brees Bulldozes Orphanage to Build Much Crappier Orphanage
In Latest 'Bounty' Scandal, New Orleans Coaches Instruct Players: "Be Sure You Shoot Them in the Head"
MNF Logo of Two Helmets Colliding Fined For Helmet-To-Helmet Collision
Bucs' Darrelle Revis Elected to Pro Bowl Despite Numerous Electors Voting for Ron Paul

Earl Thomas Fined for Horse-Collar Tackle During Indescribable Brawl at Churchill Downs
DE Michael Johnson Tests Positive for Designer Steroids, Designed to Make His Muscles Bigger Than Regular Muscles
Cell Phone Video Captures Philip Rivers Beating Dogs With Smaller Dogs

Week 8 Injury Report: RB Trent Richardson Tears ACL out of Pleading Reporter With His Mandibles
Super Bowl Halftime Show Just Features Tristan Tzara Reading Newspaper for 35 Minutes

Nick Foles Photographed Heckling Children's Softball Game; "Booooo," He Later Tweets

Defensive End J. J. Watt Punches House Until it Completely Falls Apart
Controversial Call Reversed After Jeff Triplette Calls His Mom and Says "I Love You" But Really He Doesn't
Clearly Inebriated Joe Flacco Appears on Sesame Street, Explains That the Letter L is a Piece of Shit

Fatwa Declared on Cowboys WR Dez Bryant for Reasons Unknown
Jonathan Dwyer Breaks Into Women's Shelter Seeking His Wife, Brandishing Hammer and Wooden Stake; "It's the Only Way to Be Sure"
Ed Reed Suspended One Game for Appearing in Children's Dreams Wearing Fedora and Knife Glove
Earl Bennett Captured, Renditioned By NFL Secret Police for Wearing Socks That Are Too Orange

Roger Goodell Arrested for Driving Under the Influence of Being a Douchebag

© Jonathan Skindzier 2003-2014 unless it isn't.